Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
