...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
