So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
