If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
