So drunk its hurt
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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