trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
