we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We don't watch enough power rangers
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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