so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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