I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
