I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
