he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
