My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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