My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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