The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
