Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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