Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
