I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
