This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
