I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
