Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
