seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
