either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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