Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He better not be in your backpack
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
