If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize