apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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