3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?