Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think my moral compass just broke
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