If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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