Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
