im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
