so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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