wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
