The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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