Your face is a jimmy john
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
