I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
