Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
