Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
is wine microwaveable?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
