just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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