I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
