4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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