from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
