is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
