Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
