dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
