Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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