defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
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just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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