I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
try to milk me bitch
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