i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I pour the whiskey from now on
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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