So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
