i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Let's paint friendship bongs
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
sex in a hospital.. check
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
