she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
