hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
