I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
