I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You had me at "let me see your balls"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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