I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize