Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
