Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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