I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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