Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Vodka?
Forever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
